Parenting

My miscarriage.. the first time.

I am not sure that I will ever post this but if I write it, then its written and it might be easier to just hit post.

In November 2005 I met a guy online, we went on a date and started dating. In April of 2006 we married and in March 2007 we got news that a baby was on the way. Just 8 weeks into my pregnancy I went to the hospital with bleeding that in the in bottom of my heart I knew wasn’t normal. I called my then husband and asked him to meet me, I told him I was scared, I was on the way to the hospital, I was losing the baby. He said he would try but he didn’t know if he could leave work.

Sometime while I was at the hospital he showed up, with food for himself and sat next to me to eat. I never felt more alone than in that very moment. I prayed and asked whoever was listening to please help me in that very moment, I couldn’t lose my baby I hadn’t yet grown to love. Sadly hours after waiting I was able to hear the heartbeat but it wasn’t as strong as it once was, I knew time was coming, I knew I would lose my baby. I cried and cried even when told not too, even when told it would be ok I could wait and see what would really happen.

baby loss

A few days later of being on bed rest I lost my baby nine weeks into the pregnancy. I lost the one thing I wanted more than anything else in this world. I hated my husband at this point I couldn’t even look at him our anniversary of one year married had arrived and I didn’t care. I never felt so alone, I never felt so unloved. Shortly after this I asked for him to move out, I asked for a divorce.

My life has continued and I have been blessed with children but I will always have this void for the children I have lost.

If you have ever lost a baby and know my hurt feel free to share your story or to share mine. No parent should ever have to feel this way, this feel the pain of losing a child. Not everyone will understand but allow my story to be what helps them find the way.

4 thoughts on “My miscarriage.. the first time.”

  1. Pingback: Thank you for making me a mom – Edwards Crunchy Living
  2. Pingback: Breaking the news to my mama – Edwards Crunchy Living
  3. Hugs to you mama. I know your pain all too well. Our daughter, Samantha, was stillborn last March after being deemed incompatible with life a month before. Holding my lifeless child in my arms is a feeling I cannot even begin to describe. I’ve had several early miscarriages since and we have decided not to try anymore. I have three living children and more than once I’ve been told to be grateful for them, like I can love them enough to wipe away the pain of missing Sam. I love her just as much as my living children and I know I will spend the rest of my life with a tiny Samantha shaped hole in my heart and the pain won’t end, I have learned to carry it with me.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s